Self-Esteem vs. Confidence

What is the difference between self-esteem and confidence and why does it even matter?

Many men come to me with intention of building confidence. They want to be confident with women. When you search internet forums, you will find countless articles, questions and tips how to build confidence, how to fake it till you make it and even more questions asking for help building that James Bond sex-appeal and confident behaviour.

Confidence, Self-Esteem and the Difference

Men think that self-esteem and confidence is the same thing. I used to think the same until I realized the difference. I will try to make it for you as understandable as possible. Let’s start with a short definition of the two.

Confidence /ˈkɒnfɪd(ə)ns/
the feeling or belief that one can have faith in or rely on someone or something.

  • the state of feeling certain about the truth of something.
    “I can say with confidence that I have never before driven up this street”
  • a feeling of self-assurance arising from an appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities.
    “she’s brimming with confidence”
confidence in one’s own worth or abilities; self-respect.
“assertiveness training for those with low self-esteem”
The difference
Confidence is by definition tied to a person or an event.  We are confident in what we are familiar with. Therefore, you can be confident in your job, in taking care of children and lack confidence when it comes to meeting women or relationships because you feel the lack of experience in the given areas. Logical step to take is to get more experience in order to get confident.
Here is the paradox. You can be confident meeting women and yet you meet that one girl that will make you clueless.
This is why I advice you to work on your self-esteem. Self-esteem is omnipresent, which means it is demonstrated in everything you do and especially in things you are new to. This is the James Bond kind of sex appeal you want to achieve.
Think about a new kid in school or a new coworker you met the first time. Just recently, one of my clients got a new secretary. The first time I met her, I saw her lack of self-esteem. The girl working there before was open, easy to communicate with, eager to learn. When she started I met her and despite not knowing exactly what and how to do, she asked and learned. She was open to the new experience. The new one was the exact opposite. Although she was older and had more experience in the position, she looked stressed, lost and communication with her was harder than it needs to be.
The same thing applies to you and your life. If you are new to meeting women, the mindset makes the difference.
If you know you need to fail to learn, great! But many men tiptoe quietly worrying about making mistakes. It is unavoidable to make mistakes and if you don’t want to make any, you will have hard time progressing.
Self-esteem is about knowing your strengths and weaknesses and to capitalize on them. That is how you can be relatively confident even when trying new things.  What I always say is that my biggest strength is willingness to learn. If I don’t know something and I need to know it, I will learn it. I can rely on myself. This is why you need to work on getting to know yourself guys. To be able to rely on yourself.
Typically, you will have hard time relying on yourself if you keep sabotaging yourself. You set goals and you don’t follow them through. You are stuck in cycle of self-sabotage and disappointment because those states are familiar.  Unless you break the circle, you will continue in doing the same old things, which are familiar but unproductive.
Here is a way for you. Start now and commit to the process of raising your self-esteem.
  • Make your words your rule and follow them because words do not return void.
  • Get aware of your ‘Why’ – why you do what you do. It takes radical honesty with yourself.
  • Break the pattern. After you are aware of what keeps you getting results you have, you can start making small changes that will lead you to where you want to arrive.
By now, you should be able to observe yourself. It takes honesty. Observe why you do what you do, ask yourself why you do what you do and change it if it leads to different results than what you want.
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