Do people around always keep asking you “When will you finally get a girlfriend/boyfriend?“. It is irritating, isn’t it? What’s worse, after some time, if you hear it frequently enough, you can start doubting yourself and start asking yourself this question. You soak it up like a sponge soaks up water.
This is something we all have been through at some point in our life. Then, they even start giving you advice like “You should not be so picky! You are not perfect either. Look at yourself!”. Like a friend of mine said “Because I am imperfect, it doesn’t mean I have to be sad and desperate.” and she summed it up perfectly.
In the end of the game, you are are the only person responsible for happiness in your life. There will be people around you, often your family members, parents, siblings, and close friends who tell you what you should do or how you should be but they cannot be responsible for your life. Neither can you be responsible for theirs.
Realize that the time and energy are limited resources and it is up to you who you spend your time and energy with, and what for.
It is not worth lying to yourself, settling for less when you don’t need to. On the opposite site, learn to love people for who they are as they will never be perfect and one of the ways we practice self-sabotage is by creating a persona no one can live up to.
Once again, the balance is the key and this article will hopefully bring a new perspective and improve your life.
When you start to doubt yourself
I was at a point in my life when I doubted myself. I thought my standards were too high because I could not get into a relationship. It was when I was at university and I was meeting a lot of girls daily. In the end, I did not find the connection I was looking for. It just wasn’t there. Soon I understood (with a help of a coach) that my standards were not exaggerated, which was the reassurance I needed at the time. The fact was that the people I was meeting were simply not a good match for me. While I was looking for somebody well rounded and ambitious because I had been focusing on improving myself for two years at that time, my standards were simply different. I was not satisfied with what most of the girls had to offer.
I know that a lot of you will understand my point because you might have felt the same at some point in your life. Let me give you a different opinion that is a result of five years of experience.
- Recognize and stick to your standards. Typically, people I meet have high standards for themselves and lower for others. If somebody tells you that your standards are too high, it is their opinion. Consider the source. Is it a person who has a life like you want? If not, let their opinion go. If they have, it might be worthwhile to listen to it and consider it. Once you know your standards and you consider them to be reasonable, stick to them. Don’t violate them. You would be making yourself a disservice.
- You are the only person responsible for your life. If something makes you happy, go for it (If it makes you happy long term.). This relates closely to sticking to your standards. If you know you like A and dislike B, why would you want to settle for B? Certainly, there are times when you have to buckle down but I don’t believe it applies to relationships.
- Don’t let people project their fears on you. For example, your mother wants all the best for you, yet she might not give you the best advice. If your mother tells you that you are too picky, you need to understand two things. First, she wants the best for you. That means she wants to protect you and in her eyes, anything can be better than nothing. This approach is attainable but not sustainable. Second, she is afraid of being alone herself and she doesn’t want you to feel lonely. Don’t let her project the fear on you. The same applies to other people in your life as well. The best insight you can get is from a person who is detached from you, like a coach (or if you train your parents to “coach” you and love you relentlessly).
Generally speaking, people will give you bad advice when they are afraid to hurt you, hurting you in the process even more.
Learn to love people for who they are
We can often see the phenomenon when women enter a relationship and try to change the man, while men enter the relationship wishing she would never change. This goes deeper into the rabbit hole, but for the sake of this article let’s stick with the concept of unconditional love.
Sometimes, we have a tendency to create a story about people that is not objective. We can see this in relationships, where emotions play a big part. It is not uncommon to see people fall for their partner to get disappointed by them later while all the clues are there from the beginning. It happened to me several times.
This happens because we want to experience certain emotions and the way we do it is by creating situations, that lead to disappointment down the path. The sooner you get aware of it and accept it, the better for you.
When you learn to love people for who they are, you will not get disappointed. You might not like something about them, but you choose to accept it. It is when we set standards for other people and ourselves so high that the only possible outcome becomes failure and our disappointment. What you need to do is to accept yourself first, then accept the person second. Part of accepting the other person is the fact, that they can change. They will get more comfortable, they will start behaving in a different way, their shape might change, they might lose a leg or two. But the core of the person stays the same – focus on that.
Having said all that, you might choose not to tolerate changes in their behaviour or anything about them. That is perfectly ok as long as it is a conscious choice.
To conclude, you should give into fears of others and if in doubt, ask yourself whether getting involved with anybody who is not right worth the pain it brings to your life. You might want get experience and get hurt in the process but as always stay in awareness, be objective and truthful to yourself.
In my eyes, it is not worth giving into the pressure the society impresses upon us.
Actually what I found is that once I started focusing more on he people I really resonate with and stopped putting any energy into connections that were obviously not going to happen ,my results improved dramatically. Guys keep asking how to improve their connections with women, although they often ask it in a different way – how do I get the girl? This is the answer. When you are objective and truthful to yourself, you will stop spending energy on events, things, expeirence, and people who are not worth it. Your time an energy is an investment. Although I believe that you should be open to everybody, obviously you cannot have a great connection with everybody.
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